What if the joke you keep making about yourself is the most honest thing you've said all week?
You're the funny one. You turn the overdraft fee into a bit. You call your dinner of cereal over the sink "a charcuterie moment." When someone asks how you're doing, you say, "Oh, thriving. Can't you tell?" and everyone laughs.
And then you get in the car, and the smile drops off your face like it was never there.
If that's you, this post is for you. Your humor is a gift, and it has probably carried you through days that would have flattened other people. But sometimes the joke is doing a job it was never meant to do: it's holding the door shut on a room full of things you need help with.
Let's open that door gently, together.
Key Takeaways
- Researchers who study humor describe a "self-defeating" style: putting yourself down to make others laugh. Studies link it to more loneliness and lower well-being over time.
- The U.S. Surgeon General's 2023 advisory reports that about one in two U.S. adults have reported loneliness, and names single parents among the groups most affected.
- Money strain is real, not a character flaw: 30.6% of single-mother families with children lived below the poverty line in 2024, per U.S. Census data.
- You don't need a big network to start. You need one safe person and one honest sentence that replaces the joke.
- A support system can be built from zero: 211, a faith community, a support group, your library, a co-worker, a well-run online group.
- If the jokes have turned into wanting to disappear or not wanting to be here, call or text 988 any time. Call 911 if you're in immediate danger.
When Funny Becomes Armor
Humor is one of the healthiest ways people cope. None of this is about becoming less funny.
But psychologists draw a line between kinds of humor. In 2003, researcher Rod Martin and colleagues created the Humor Styles Questionnaire, which sorts everyday humor into four styles. Two are generally healthy: affiliative humor (joking to bring people together) and self-enhancing humor (finding the funny side of life to keep your own spirits up). Two are riskier: aggressive humor (at someone else's expense) and self-defeating humor (at your own).
Self-defeating humor is the style that sounds like, "I'm a hot mess, but at least I'm entertaining." Researchers describe it as winning others' approval by making fun of your own weaknesses, blunders and faults. It helps the relationship in the moment, but at a cost to you.
What the research says
A 2020 meta-analysis in Frontiers in Psychology pooled results from dozens of studies across cultures. Its conclusion: aggressive and self-defeating humor were linked to lower subjective well-being, while the warmer, healthier styles were linked to higher well-being.
A 2016 study in Europe's Journal of Psychology followed 1,234 young adolescents over about six months. Self-defeating humor at the start predicted increases in loneliness and depressive symptoms later on. The link with depressive symptoms ran in both directions: feeling low also predicted more self-put-down humor. That was a study of 11- to 13-year-olds, not grown women, so it can't speak for you directly. But it describes a loop many adults recognize.
The authors suggested a reason that may sound familiar. When you always deliver your pain as a punch line, people laugh instead of helping. Then you feel unsupported, which makes you lonelier, which makes you joke more.
Why it makes sense for you right now
After divorce, there are a lot of reasons a joke feels safer than the truth:
- Pride and protection. If you laugh first, nobody can pity you.
- Fear of being "too much." You worry that if you say how bad it really is, people will pull away.
- Keeping the peace for your kids. You've gotten good at seeming fine because someone small is watching.
- Nobody to tell. Sometimes the joke is the only version of the truth you've found a place to put.
None of them means you have to keep doing it alone.
Signs the Joke Is Covering Pain
This is not a diagnosis. It's a mirror. Read through and notice which lines make you wince a little.
| What you say (or do) | What it might be covering | A gentle question to ask yourself |
|---|---|---|
| "Who needs groceries? Ramen is a lifestyle." | Real fear about money running out | Do I know exactly how many days my money will last? |
| "My only adult conversation this week was with the pharmacy robot." | Deep loneliness | When did someone last ask how I'm really doing? |
| "I'd ask for help, but I don't want to ruin my reputation as a disaster." | Shame about needing help | Who would I gladly help if they were in my shoes? |
| "Mom of the year, right here." | Guilt and harsh self-judgment | Would I say this to a friend who was trying this hard? |
| Changing the subject with a joke the moment it gets serious | Fear of falling apart in front of someone | What do I think will happen if I stay serious for one more sentence? |
| "Honestly, if I vanished, nobody would notice for a week." | Possible hopelessness | Is this a joke, or is part of me starting to believe it? |
If you saw yourself in two or three rows, that's worth taking seriously. Not as proof that something is wrong with you, but as a sign that you deserve more support than you're getting.
When the joke isn't really a joke
Pay close attention to that last row. Jokes about disappearing, not waking up, or everyone being better off without you can slip out sounding light. Sometimes they are just dark humor. Sometimes they are a part of you asking for help in the only way it knows how.
The Real Cost of Carrying It Alone
Isolation can feel like a private problem, something you'll deal with "when things settle down." But it affects your health, too.
U.S. adults have reported experiencing loneliness in recent years. The Surgeon General's advisory lists single parents among the groups with the highest rates of loneliness and isolation.
The same advisory reports that the odds of developing depression are more than double among adults who often feel lonely. And it describes how depression and anxiety can lead people to pull away from others, which deepens the isolation. It's the same loop the humor research describes, just from another angle.
Connection isn't a treat you earn after the hard part is over. It's part of how you get through it.
Money stress makes everything louder
Maybe the jokes are mostly about money. That makes sense too, because for many single moms the strain is very real.
The numbers behind "I'm fine, really"
Read that chart as a permission slip. If you're lonely, scared about money or short on close friends, you are far from the only one. It's not a verdict on you.
Free: The Emergency Budget Reset
If your jokes are covering money panic, start here: five calm money moves for your first 30 days, so the numbers stop being the punch line.
Get the Free Guide →How to Tell One Safe Person the Truth
You don't need to announce your struggles to the world. You need one person. Just one.
Who counts as a safe person?
- Someone who has kept a confidence before.
- Someone who listens more than they fix or lecture.
- Someone who doesn't share gossip about other people with you (a good sign they won't share yours).
- Someone who has shown up, even in small ways: a text, a ride, a casserole.
It could be a cousin, a neighbor, a woman from church, a trusted co-worker or a counselor. Sometimes the safest first person is a professional, because it's their job to hold it.
Scripts that replace the joke
The hardest part is the first sentence. So borrow one. Here's how to take the joke you'd normally make and turn it into the truth.
| Instead of the joke… | Try the truth… |
|---|---|
| "Thriving! Obviously." | "I usually joke about it, but honestly, I'm struggling more than I let on." |
| "My bank account is a horror movie." | "I'm really scared about money right now, and I don't know where to start." |
| "I haven't talked to an adult since the Bush administration." | "I've been really lonely. Could we set up a regular call, even 15 minutes?" |
| "I'm fine, I'm always fine." | "I'm not okay today. I don't need you to fix it. I just didn't want to keep pretending." |
| "I'm one bad day from running off to join the circus." | "I'm overwhelmed. Can you help me with one specific thing this week?" |
Make it easier on yourself
- Text it first. It's okay to send the honest sentence by text if saying it out loud feels impossible.
- Name what you need. "Just listen," "help me think," or "can you take the kids for two hours Saturday?" Specific asks are easier to say yes to.
- Expect a little awkwardness. You've been convincing. Give them a minute to catch up.
- Keep a little humor. You can say, "Okay, no jokes for a second," and smile. Humor that opens the door is very different from humor that keeps it shut.
If the first person responds poorly, that tells you about their capacity, not your worth. Try another person. The right one is out there.
Building a Support Network From Zero
Maybe you read the last section and thought, "That's the problem. I don't have one person." Maybe friends took sides, family is far away, and your social life used to run through your marriage. That's a painful place to be, and one you can build out of, one brick at a time.
If you're working through the friendships you lost in the divorce, our post on rebuilding your support system goes deeper. Here, let's focus on where to find people and practical help when you're starting from nothing.
1. Call or visit 211
Dialing 2-1-1 or visiting 211.org connects you with trained specialists who know local resources: food, housing and utility help, childcare, health care and crisis support. According to United Way, the 211 network is free, confidential and available 24/7, and it handles roughly 21 million requests a year. You will not be the first mom who called.
2. A faith community
Many churches run divorce recovery groups, single-parent ministries, benevolence funds or meal trains. You don't have to have it all together to walk in. If your old church feels too tied to your marriage, it's okay to try a new one.
3. A support group
Divorce recovery, grief and single-parent groups meet in churches, community centers and hospitals. Ask 211 what's nearby. Groups give you something friendships take years to build: people who already understand.
4. Your public library and community programs
Many libraries host free story times, book clubs and workshops, and staff can often point you to local services. A weekly story time is a low-pressure place to meet other parents.
5. One co-worker
You don't have to tell your whole office anything. But one trusted co-worker you eat lunch with, or walk to the parking lot with, can become a real lifeline. And if your employer offers an Employee Assistance Program, it may include a few free, confidential counseling sessions. Check your benefits or ask HR quietly.
6. Online communities, chosen carefully
Moderated online groups for single moms can be a comfort at 11 p.m. Look for clear rules and active moderators, protect your privacy (especially about your kids, your ex and your location), and let online support be a bridge to real-life connection, not a replacement.
Financial First Steps When No One Is Backing You Up
When there's no financial safety net, money jokes often hide one big feeling: if something goes wrong, there's no one to catch me. You can't fix that overnight. But you can make it less scary.
- Look at the real number. Check your balance and list what's due in the next 14 days. A number, even a hard one, is something you can work with.
- Protect the essentials first. Housing, utilities, food, transportation to work and childcare come before anything else.
- Ask for help with specific bills. Call your utility company and ask about hardship or payment plans. Ask 211 about local assistance programs.
- Check what you may qualify for. Food assistance, school meal programs and childcare help exist for exactly this season. Applying is not failing. It's providing.
- Start a tiny cushion. Even $5 or $10 set aside matters. Our post on your first emergency fund on one income walks through it.
And if you'd like a simple, guided starting point, the free Emergency Budget Reset was made for the first 30 days, when everything feels urgent at once.
A Light Faith Anchor: You Were Never Meant to Carry It Alone
If faith is part of your life, there's a short verse that speaks right into this.
"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2, NIV)
Notice it doesn't say, "Carry your burdens quietly and make everyone laugh so they never notice." Letting someone help you is how community was designed to work. You've probably helped carry other people's burdens your whole life. It's your turn to let someone carry a corner of yours.
You might pray something simple tonight: "God, I'm tired of pretending. Please show me one safe person, and give me the courage to tell them the truth."
If She's Your Friend
Maybe someone you love is always the funny one, and lately the jokes sound a little too sharp. Here's how to help without making her feel exposed.
What to do
- Laugh, then lean in. Enjoy the joke. Then, later and privately, say, "You've joked about money a few times lately. How are you actually doing?"
- Ask twice. "I'm fine" is the reflex answer. Try, "No, really. How are you?" It shows you mean it.
- Offer something specific. "Can I pick the kids up Thursday?" is easier to accept than "Let me know if you need anything."
- Keep showing up. A regular check-in text, a standing coffee date, or a seat saved at church tells her she's not a burden.
- Keep her confidence. If she trusts you with the truth, protect it.
What to avoid
- Calling out her humor in front of others.
- Jumping straight to advice or comparing her life to yours.
- Saying "at least…" (as in, "at least you have the kids").
If she jokes about not wanting to be here, or about disappearing, it's okay to ask her directly and calmly if she's thinking about suicide. Research suggests asking directly doesn't plant the idea. Stay with her, listen, and help her call or text 988 together. If she's in immediate danger, call 911.
Life Refined Signature Reset™
When you've spent this long being the funny one, it's easy to lose track of who you are underneath the jokes. Life Refined Signature Reset™ helps you heal, reconnect with your values and build a life that fits the woman you're becoming, so you don't have to perform "fine" to get through the day.
Explore Life Refined Signature Reset™ →You don't have to stop being funny. You just get to stop hiding behind it. Tell one person one true sentence this week. Then let them help. Always forward, never backward.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is self-deprecating humor a sign of depression?
Not by itself. But research on the "self-defeating" humor style links it to lower well-being, and some studies connect it to more loneliness and depressive symptoms over time. If your jokes come with lasting sadness, hopelessness, sleep or appetite changes, or pulling away from people, talk with your doctor or a licensed counselor.
Why do I make jokes when I'm upset?
Humor relieves tension and protects you from looking vulnerable. That's very human. The question is whether the joke helps you process the feeling, or helps you avoid ever saying it plainly to someone who could help.
How do I build a support system when I have no one?
Start with one step: call 211 or visit 211.org for local resources, try a faith community or divorce support group, check your library's event calendar, or connect with one trusted co-worker. Small, repeated contact with the same people builds trust faster than one big event.
How do I ask for help without feeling like a burden?
Be specific and time-limited: "Could I call you for 15 minutes tonight?" Clear asks are easier to say yes to, and most people are glad to help someone they care about, just as you would be.
Where can a single mom get financial help fast?
Dial 211 or visit 211.org for local help with food, rent, utilities and childcare, and ask utility providers about hardship programs. For a simple first plan, the free Emergency Budget Reset walks you through five money moves for your first 30 days.
What should I do if my friend jokes about wanting to disappear?
Take it seriously, even if it was said lightly. Ask her privately and directly how she's doing and whether she's thinking about suicide. Listen without judgment and help her call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If she's in immediate danger, call 911.
This article is for educational and encouragement purposes only. It is not medical, mental health, therapy, legal or financial advice, and it is not a substitute for care from a licensed professional. If you are thinking about suicide, wanting to disappear, or are in emotional distress, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (free, confidential, 24/7 in the U.S.). If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911. If you are not safe at home, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.